stunned

one of my xanga friends was found out. it's scary. it seems like it's been happening to a lot of people... i dont know which way is up, which way is out, which light is really the sun...

The doctors say her brain isn't getting enough potassium, and her heart isn't getting enough sugar. That her body will start eating itself on the inside.

She has black outs, her hair is falling out, she has heart flutters sometimes...and she still doesnt really care. i dont know what it do.

aduno...

you know, i dont really have anything to say for once... i'm just tired and a bit mellow. i was anxious earlier today, about homework and other thinks, but i dont even feel like argueing about things... like i was having a conversation about death, i'm not sure how deep it really was, but i just sorta stopped argueing... it's not like talking about it will change it, right?

i didnt do much today... didnt go to the library, didnt go into town... didnt even sleep that late, so i had to have done something... read The Golden Compass, i guess... aduno, i'm just... not energized. Not particulary sad, just... there. And it's not related to the drugs i've been joking about, don't worry.

Paradise and Drugs

Two weird things so far today: i realized two of the books i got out the the library, The Opheus Obsession and The Subtle Knife, are really very similar in idea: growing up, leaving paradise because of knowledge, conscious... it's really weird. And i chose them randomly, i didnt know that before... well i read about Philip Pullman in my dad's New Yorker and decided to re-read the books, but... it's just odd.

Also, my and my sister wer looking back and critiquing all our old school pictures- and i'm totally spaced out in my kindergarten one, we totally think i was on drugs. she still isn't sure whether i was joking when i tried to sell her narcotics...

coming down...

i fell off my cloud. It's a long way down...

splat.
ouch.
two huge understatements.

I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake

Look's like it's about to rain... but whatever, the world is bloody beautiful anyway.

i'm perfectly fine, just perfectly unstable.

career choices

grrr.... the world needs saving, but how? maybe not a federal prosecutoe anymore, maybe a normal one- that sues logging companies? a legislator that bans the logging companies? a doctor in Africa? a... dead starveling who od'd on a city sidewalk? probly the last one... might be helpful to the world to get me out of it, but i have a feeling i should help... grr "obligation feelings" the world crammed into me... why cant i just totally not care? ah well... back to Henri of Navarre and the reformation studies. French project branches out way too much... not to mention i have to make my factory farm paper look like an actua report... whatevah.

Official Proof

this is your brain on DRUGS


this is your brain on JUNK FOOD

make your own conclusions.

Stupidity of the Status Quo

or, more specifically, they need to make electronic cashiers... just swipe your barcode, insert your money, no questions asked... things that could help people end up making things worse if you try to get them... grr. i would invent it, but i'm not sure of ppl would buy it... all the nice jobs need other ppl to like them. I mean, all jobs are dependent, but... whatever.

I suck at life.

They say what goes up, must come down... and vicie-versie...

*feels trapped* dont worry im just feeling maniac, is all...

found a website that says "food is a drug. Eating is an addiction." Now i dont really mind drugs but this is one... o whatever. murrrrrrrrrrrr...

books and music

is basically all i've done today. Found a book i'll have to return tomarrow when Howe opens, so i'm finishing that franticically... copying Macbeth with my new blue ink... getting a song stuck in my head despite knowing i will hate it later... i should finish Crime and Madness but i never will, i read it really slowly and it's overdue... building castles with my christmas candy... watchig bizzare tv shows with my sister... stroking my caffienated furball... it's pretty fun, a bit monotenous, but i have a headache... hey, it be Boxing Day! wow!

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King
What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight
and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring
There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might
So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand
and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights
And if You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land
And if You Fall It Won't Matter, 'Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.

The longest cd title in history, by the same person as my new one. it's a cool concept, if you think about it. It's in a weird font on the cd cover, so i at first thought it said "DEATH Is the Greatest of Heights" i was a bit disappointed when i realized what it was, but i still like it.

Presents and stuff...

presents presents... sides the furball, the makeup (my sister really is bizarre) and the pitching, i... actually didnt get much, my parents, my aunt, my neighbors, my uncle all gave me money or ift certificates... including some to the Dartmouth Bookstore and Folk! People actually got something right for once... altho my uncle gave me and my sister identical inane slippers, i cant even discribe them... my aunt gave me weird jewely but some is ok... my brothers both got hovercrafts that drive you crazy... but it's been pretty fun.

Christmas

For God so loved the world, that he gave his Only Begotten Son...

rejoice this day, for a miracle has happened! (Apoligives to those who dont WANT to rejoice, i respect their decision)

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwanzah, Boxing day, Solstice, New Year, and everything else...

come all ye faithful,
joyful and triumphant,
o come ye o come ye to bethlehem

come and behold him
born the king of angels
o come let us adore him
o come let us adore him
o come let us adore him Christ the Lord!

my brother gave me a caffinated furball- I"M SERIOUS, its the weirdest thing, it sqeaks and rolls around and makes siren noises, im about to diognose it with a personality disroder... i wish it was really alive, but ah well... its cute. My sister gave mea HUGE makeup kit, she's trying to take over the world... got certificates to everywhere, and a pitching thing to share with my sister... i really do love softball, but my dad has these expectations... but ah well, its christmas! About to go shovel snow.

Amendment

i suppose i actually like christmas songs, except abnoxious ones.

another

Mary did you know
That your baby boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy
would save our sons and daughters?

Did you know that your baby boy
has come to make you new;
the child that you delivered
will soon deliver you?

Mary, did you know that your baby boy
will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy
will calm the storm with His hand?

Did you know that your baby boy
has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby,
you kiss the face of God!
Oh Mary did you know?

Oh Mary did you know?
The blind will see, the deaf will hear
the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak
the praises of the Lamb.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy
is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy
will one day rule the nations?

Did you know that your baby boy
is Heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping child you're holding
is the great I Am!

Mary did you know?

Song they used to do with Silent Night before they Killed Christmas

Cold are the people, winter of life,
We tremble in shadows this cold endless night,
Frozen in the snow lie roses sleeping,
Flowers that will echo the sunrise,
Fire of hope is our only warmth,
Weary, its flame will be dying soon.

Voice in the distance, call in the night,
On wind you enfold us, you speak of the light,
Gentle on the ear you whisper softly,
Rumors of a dawn so embracing,
Breathless love awaits darkened souls,
Soon will we know of the morning.

Spirit among us, shine like the star,
Your light that guides shepherds and kings from afar,
Shimmer in the sky so empty, lonely,
Rising in the warmth of your Son;s love,
Star unknowing of night and day,
Spirit we wait for your loving Son.

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and Child.
Holy Infant, so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night,
Shepherds quake at the sight;
Glories stream from heaven afar,
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ the Savior is born,
Christ the Savior is born!

Silent night, holy night,
Son of God, love’s pure light;
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth,
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.

Silent night, holy night
Wondrous star, lend thy light;
With the angels let us sing,
Alleluia to our King;
Christ the Savior is born,
Christ the Savior is born!

more christmas carols

What child is this, who laid to rest,
on Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
while shepherds watch are keeping?
Refrain:
This, this is Christ the King,
whom shepherds guard and angels sing;
haste, haste to bring him laud,
the babe, the son of Mary.

Why lies he in such mean estate
where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christian, fear: for sinners here
the silent Word is pleading. Refrain

So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,
come, peasant, king, to own him;
the King of kings salvation brings,
let loving hearts enthrone him. Refrain

Just feel like Posting this... Revels memory!

I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the Moon & the Stars & the Sun
I came down from Heaven & I danced on Earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

I danced for the scribe & the pharisee
But they would not dance & they wouldn't follow me
I danced for fishermen, for James & John
They came with me & the Dance went on:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

I danced on the Sabbath & I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame!
They whipped & they stripped & they hung me high
And they left me there on a cross to die!

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body & they thought I'd gone
But I am the Dance & I still go on!

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the Life that'll never, never die!
I'll live in you if you'll live in Me -
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!

Enough of idiots- or at least ones we dont know personally

Yesterday... i went to Bean's Art Store to use the girt certifiate my 'rents gave me for my birthday, a really good choice, it would be amazing they weren't clueless for once, exept that i kinda helped them... Got a sketchpad that wont fold in half and die, charcoal (it really is awesome, i never had any before) a new nib pen and blue ink. yay! Later we went to Tao Bell on our way to see the x-mas lights in LaSalette. great fun... At Tao Bell i was seriously razy, kept laughing on and on and saying weird things, my sister was like, "What ARE you on?" and then in the next breath, "can i have some?" My siblings kept bugging me about their BEEF tacos- i'm a vegetarian- everything was crazy. I really felt weird- does diet pepsi have caffeine? i only had a little anyway. ames made a suicide drink- lots of soft drinks mixed together, it's SOOOO gross. On the way to the lights he was like, "Lights on the left. right. right. left. right- straight ahead! nooooo" as in headlights, if you didnt get it. When we got there it was of course hailing and freezing cold, so the kids just sat in the car and talked about Russian roulette and my drug problems- despite my having been completely drug free for 15 days, thank you very much! Came home, got torn apart by my dad a thousand times for not doing my chores completely, just a normal day... today i got my weekend chores over with by doing them at 9 in the morning- of you want a nice way to scrape your hands open, try cleaning radiators. the little metal thigs inside are seriously harmful... then i saw a picture of Johny actually in pinstripes in the paper, so i had to post one. but that's all the publicity I'M giving him- until baseball season starts, i have no idea what i'm going to do.

Desecration of Damon

last post about Johnny- the saddest picture i have seen in ages:



He almost looks like Bush! and its Yankees stripes! They're ruined him!

Blegh.

the real "after picture" of Johnny Damon

http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2005/12/23/sports/
23damon_CA1.ready.html

just copy and paste it, it works that way. it is INANE.

The One Christmas Carol I can Actually STAND at This Point

O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining.
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices!
Oh night divine! Oh night when Christ was born!
Oh night divine! Oh night! Oh night divine!

Chains shall he break for the slave is our brother,
and in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we;
Let all within us praise his holy name.
Christ is the lord, that ever, ever praise we.
Noel! Noel! Oh night;oh night divine!
Noel! Noel! Oh night; oh night divine!
Noel! Noel! Oh night; oh night divine!

THEY CUT HIS HAIR!

Before:


After:


How could they? This is Johnny Damon. It is absolutely sickening, an outrage! He's still a good player- hopefully. Who knows how he'll be without the hair? I can barely look at him! This is horribe! I dont wanna buy a Yankees shirt!

dangerous driving, Walmart shopping

Yesterday i finished my christmas shopping, including an electric pencil sharpener from all the kids to my dad. Last year my sister got Mom a cordless phone, we appear to be developping a tradition of giving our parents things WE need. But they'll use them too... lol its funny tho. At Walmart there was a cd i wanted, but didnt have money for. So i had Katy tell Mom to buy it for me from Santa, because i havent asked for anything else. our whole shopping thing was fun. But crazy. James: "Do you think i can afford all this?" *holds up two boxes of mass-produced pie and a thing of donettes* Katy: "there's something wrong with the world when pie comes in boxes. All culture has disappeared!" O, and Katy is learning to drive, we were trying to get her to read the instruction manual, but she hates to read, she was like, "do you use both feet for the pedals?" me: "i dont know, but on a bike..." which is now our catch phrase. and she kept skipping all the warning. And we still have no clue where the shift clutch is. And she bumped into our priest's car when she was turning around. All is good... I'm trying to make a gingerbread house, after spending 15 minutes getting the icing to the right thickness. It might actually work... i'm using blocks to prop it up while the icing dries. I dont want to eat it myself, it looks sickeningly sweet, so i might give it away... aduno.

g'bye to school... and Damon

ho hum. my birthday was extremely bipolar, rather not go into it... but i saw Revels, which was amazingly awesome... lost one of my gloves there, so my hands have undergone a lot of cold... but im a bit of a masochist anyway. Monday we actually had homework in some classes, and... wow, i forget what happened. We got OMAM grades back, and she seems to have an obliviously positive view of our group. Which i suppose is a good thing. Tuesday we didnt really work in any class... I skipped Matcounts, but it turned out not to be much of a rebellion, because they just made paper boxes. Murr, i'm so bad at that... Mr. G kept telling me to smile, it was annoying. And i got attacked by Ms. Wilhelm. Quite a scary thing. I kinda liked the concert... then walked over to Hanover Terrace to see my grandma (and my aunt, she was visiting too) for 5 minutes, James set off all the alarms because he forgets to press the buttons and do the codes... in a way its sad how they're locked in, but i do see the reason, a bit... but it's hard to go there. I was at the low end of my bipolarity after that, ended up going to bed at 6, slept until 2, dozed til 7 that's THIRTEEN hours of sleep! But i had a headache when i woke up, and found out Johnny Damon voluntarily signed with the YANKEES. Hello, he's an icon AND they'll make him cut his hair and shave. What stupid rules. Typical Yankeesism. rrrrrrrrrr....

Can you imagine him going back to short hair? Sure, i'm exagerating, im not even extremely heartbroken, as i would have been if this were during the actual playing season, when i'm at least slightly more obsessed. But i am mad, that he would just off and leave Boston because the Yankees were a bit more aggressive in trade talks. I mean, this leaves Boston with no centerfielder, no lead-off man, and nooooooo idiot! He was the leader, and all the others have been traded. it's just not fair to the fans... i'm angry, but he's still a really good player. but he is now a jerk as well as an idiot.

cleaning, trees, flashcards

today i actually got up at 7 *gasp* i actually can barely remember what i did, i actually didnt go on the computer, i guess i cleaned my room a little- altho this afternoon i did a huge cleaning thing, it looks like the middle of by-pass surgery: it'll be great when it's done, but it's a mess right now. So i'm gonna spend my birthday cleaninn my room- excellent... o well, today i was on a cleaning mood, hopefully i'll still be tomarrow. If not, i still have homework to do *gets very mad at propane lab, because she doesnt have a lot of data and can't think of an application* i did nothing on my snowday but shovel snow, read, go on the computer... aduno.
We finally got our christmas tree today. its always crazy- last year it was freezing, and my parents made us get a crooked one. My siblings named the tree they would have gotten Chris, and and made a SHRINE for it when we cot home. They covered a constructiong cone that got left in our neighborhood with green fabric, and wrote funeral cards. What a nuthouse we are... also last year i bought a mini-tree, and had to carry it home in the cold brr. This year our parents let us get a good tree. I named it Twiggy, which is not very accurate sense its on the chubby side. All the trees were so short, and all but Twiggy were mutant and had metal problems. We alway fight over who has to walk home (there's not enogh room in the car with the tree) so the other two kids ran to the car ahead of me. But they didnt realize no-one had to walk (because Robbie didnt come) so i got shotgun. Score... lol w/e. Earlier everyone was doing chores in the kitchen and listening to Christmas carols, which i'm not fond of but tolerated today. and... that's my day. I made 70 vocab flashcards, redid even the few i hadnt lost. i just wanted them all to be the same size... yes, probly OCD. not to stereotype that or anything. so... that's all. the last post was about my meeting with a nutritionist. My parents are all freaked about me getting enough protein. murr...

Relief

The starling hath returned victorious from the lion's den! It disquised itslef as a wolf pup, but it worried, knowing one touch could crumple its mask. The starling's mother, a wolf herself, helped: she knew not her daughter to be a starling, for she had covered herself as she transformed from a wolf. If the lion had known it was a starling, it would have snaped and torn her apart. But the starling was quick and deceptive, and can match fire with fire. The starling will be watched, but the starling will live and follow her dream: to fly and float as light as air.

Surgeon General's Warning (yup, sorry, E.)

"borrowed without permission" (but credited) from http://doodlefluff.blogspot.com :

I should probably warn you now. I am not a cheerful, upbeat person.
I will probably say plenty of disturbing things. If you are a happy person, or an innocent one, you should probably leave and not come back. Not that I don't like you, but you probably won't enjoy yourself.

exactly. the same for me as here. my blog is my blog. it started out as a kind of public log of my day, but i am pefectly with my rights when i say depressing (and disturbing) things. Freedom of expression folks. I understand your concerns, and i give them at least 5 seconds of thought. but whatever. MY blog. mine. *hiss*

wheeeeee

the world looks soooo much brighter caffinated! Still a bit of nagging doubt, but i'm happeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And dizzy, but that's gettting to be normal...

joy is naive denial. face it: life stinks.

o never mind. i dont need to anymore.

WHY SHOULDN'T I???

Snow day!

our second so far, and this one actually has snow, lol. The ther one was pathetic. but it snowed on thanksgiving. i really hope this snow stays for my birthday. i liks snow. i want to do one for POC, but that woudl be hard. A blizzard would be awesome tho...
yesterday: had english with OMAM (im starting to feel like it's not gonna work, even tho we're doing ok...) then POC, where i still cant find a picture that's easy enough to do but also one i like... then math, where it was random, not much i remember... i had a mint thrown at me, but i didnt want it. i was having coffee withdrawel. and then more english (my paper is sinking in quicksand) then french, where i got out of working with ari(whew! i dont know why i said ok in the first place) had a s.s class where we had to have 30 seconds of silence (didnt work) and a big discussion about uncivilized, which was ok. and then i'm working with another outcast in Science, but our lab is alright. and then cardio, not much. i dont se why i keep runnig thru my day, its not that intersting... i had to go to church after school, but it was a catholic holiday... i really hate that our parents still make us go to those, i could sorta see sundays, but i have homework and it never makes an impression on me... i just sit there playing this things in my pockets. and my brothers steal lots of candy. nothign big has happened today either. 'cept snow.

blegh

its been cold, ive been doing minimal homework, i havent even really been at the library too much. i went today, but nothing really happened. I have no idea how lab partners are gonna go in science im not allowed to work with Maggie again and everyone else is a boy or one of the four girls who will just switch pairs. so that's gonna be weird. and i can't believe i actually agreed to let Ari work with me in French- badbadbad, i am really hating that decision. blegh. (Hence the title) I have a really bad cold, my room is a mess, and i'm outof duct tape. Life is not so great. and im not really sure which way i'm headed, so usually. but i thought i was getting somewhere... altho p'haps not the right somewhere. mrph.

Yours truely, a future state prosecutor

havig turned my life into the Of Mice and Men trial to give me self somethign "constructing" to do, i went to the library for three hours ad imersed myself in criminal justice books and court cases. not to mention hours staring at the computer screen. i really need a life... but it was fun! i couldnt check any books out tho, my library card is in disgrace. it has 5 buck overdue fines for a controversity book. one more reason to hate that project... i wish Dartmouth was a law studies college. i wanna legal library! but that would really kill the project... i'm making it way too complicated. but it's fun. is anyone defense, if so, i wont discuss details. but its making my mind fuzzy. Good night, your Honor *confusedly dozes off and falls forward* rarsfgkhmjlkaaweio;dfdklgha *head on keyboard*

Matcounts and Murder

i'm being completely neutral this time on MatCounts. I had fun today, but i'm quite sure i dissappointed Mr. Plaut with my deteriorating math skills. It this rate, our team will probly do so bad we get disqualified from the chapter meet. is that even possible? i dont really actually care. it's fun, but it would be a lot less pressure. my dad is even considering coming in to help teach matcounts. What's a two word phrase for obsessed? m-y d-a-d. o well. its ok. just sorta weird.
so french was nothing, social studies wasnt much, except we talked about editing out the cigarettes in movies. what, have them just wave their hands around? so we thought we'd replace them with flutes. but why would there be smoke coming out? because of the dragons inside, of course. dragon song is what you hear coming out. and the smoke from the former cigarette is dragon smoke. So there must be fire-breathing lizards in picalos! (i know i spelled that wrong.)
then science, where i definately should have known the extra credit. computer is annoying, because ill never be fast enough to pass out (terminally stuck at 50 wpm) and english brings up the murder subject. I'm prosecution, and i have no idea how we're gonna do it, and i really dont want to read the 40-page California Penal Code. My dad thinks i should call his sister's husband (my uncle, but i dont know him well at all) because he's a lawyer. which might be cool, but uncomfortable. but maybe. i also found out that the brother my grandfather's boss commited the murder of the century or something. i knew there was a scandal, but not that big of one. which is weird. almost cool, but it is a murder. i know, E, that should make it cool. whatever.
then matcounts, discussed above, woodworking (same as usual, i'll stop going on and on about it) math, which wasn't much, except there was a big weird thing about all these ppl forgettig their homework. which took up about 15 minutes of class. then English, where my controversity paper will just about scrape through working. Came right home and googled every possible combination of "2nd degree murder" "life imprisonment" "penal code" and "aggravating factors" yes, tell me its not that big a deal. i'm just slightly obsessed. i didnt even really like the book, but im obsessed with the trial. ah well...